paradox

I've stumbled on a paradox in my life. At first I thought that it was a major problem and that the two realities could definitely not exist together. Today I realized that they do not have to be separate.

Here are the realities. I know right now that I am where I am supposed to be. I have had that sense during the majority of my time with my current employer. However, during that same time I have also known that I want to be doing something else, that this employment is not moving me closer to my vision for my career (and I believe God's vision...). I have been searching for geology related jobs nearly the entire time. My networking efforts have been encouraging but fruitless.

I have not been content living this paradox. I feel called to contentment, something that has been a lifelong struggle. About a month ago I thought that if I could just figure out contentment in this place, then maybe God would give me what I really want. Neat idea, but I don't think that's how it actually works.

Today Pastor Cecelia talked about God using chaos in our lives. In Job 38, God answered Job out of the storm, not after he had cleared the storm. That's where God is.

Where am I? In Genesis 3:10, Adam heard God and he was afraid. But he also hid. He ran to the trees instead of the Maker of the trees. We're all hiding in something. The good news is that God's still asking for us and He loves us so much that He's asking a question that he already knows the answer to; He wants to hear from us.

Pastor Cecelia's third point was in the question, "Where is your brother?" She referenced Cain and Abel in Genesis 4, "am I my brother's keeper?" Are we willing to be in a place of loving accountability with our brothers and sisters? Are we willing to ask them what trees they are hiding in and walk with them as they go back to the Maker of the trees?

She related this to our call to serve others throughout the world; she had highlighted some of our church's mission trips from the summer. I have always resonated with world missions and a desire to go anywhere for God. But today for the first time ever, hearing one of those Great Commission sermons, I fully grasped my own current mission field. I realize the conversations I need to have in my own work place. I know that I am here for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense.

God was preparing me for this as I brushed my teeth this morning I remembered that at one point in life I declared Proverbs 3:5 as my life verse. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." There's so much that doesn't make sense, but my job is to trust and obey.

not forget

The last couple of weeks have been rough ones. Home is fine, but work and job search have been rough, which has impacted my performance everywhere. I'm back out of the pit of despair and in an attempt to start thinking happy thoughts so I can sleep tonight, I'm blogging about my climb out of the pit.

On Sunday morning I was compelled to play a CD that I haven't listened to in years. It's a North Park worship CD that I acquired at CHIC 2003. The song that I was supposed to hear was "I Will Not Forget You," by Waterdeep. Here are the lyrics:

Many men will drink the rain
And turn to thank the clouds
Many men will hear You speak
But they will never turn around

I will not forget You, You are my God, my King
And with a thankful heart I bring my offering
And my sacrifice is not what You can give
But what I alone can give to you

A grateful heart I give, A thankful prayer I pray,
A wild dance I dance before you
A loud song I sing, A huge bell I ring,
A life of praise I live before You

Many men will pour their gold
And serve a thing that shines
Many men will read your words
But they will never change their minds

I was convicted that I am probably among the "many men" lately. I am not acknowledging all of the ways that God is providing. I am not reflecting God when he works. And I do not choose a thankful heart for the things that are good. Much more, I definitely do not rejoice in all of the trials of right now.

I was struck by the line "my sacrifice is not what you can give but what I alone can give to you." I realize that I need to stop waiting and stop asking what my God can do for me. Instead I need to start asking what I can do for my God.

This will probably require some recalibration for me... to truly get me out of my rut. Feel free to ask me how it's going. I know that would help.

blogger forgot me

It's been so long since I've blogged that Blogger forgot me. I guess that's fair.

We're at an interesting place. God is once again telling me to be content. Or so it seems. It's at least a definite stay put.

I seem to be discovering more of the injustices of life around every corner. Last week's sermon was on truth, justice, and righteousness. I wish we could find more of those in the world.

I keep hearing that God won't give you more than you can handle. Mother Theresa said that she wished He didn't trust her so much.

I realize that in looking outward I would see how fortunate I am. In my current state I have so little energy to go beyond treading water and I don't like it one bit. It's a vicious cycle.

waiting

Life is still about waiting. Yesterday would have been my last day at work if a strange tease of a job offer had become reality. But it didn't.

So I went to work and the place was in awful condition. Plenty of little surprises to start my day. Then more as the day continued.

Today had more surprises for me: imagine a coffee shop without coffee. Seriously. Interesting. And lots of explaining about the Cafe Americano and how they might allow themselves to be grateful because it's technically an upgrade from their brewed coffee. Yeah, right.

Does it still have caffeine?

Does it have more calories than coffee?

Sigh. It only took 8 hours for the "emergency" work order response.

I witnessed a rainbow on my way to work on Monday morning. It was beautiful and full and richly colored. I took it as a promise that the future would be different and better.

And I continue to wait.

diapause

It's been a while again. I've been delving into waiting at a pace that's slow but seems right. I wonder how many times I'll have to renew the book (When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd). I'll share some of the things that have been "hitting" me lately.

Sue commented that she "struggled to trust that the whirlwind [she] was riding was a sacred opportunity--that it wanted to take [her] somewhere." As I resist surrendering and experience discontent and frustration in life, I fully realize this struggle.

Then I read with fascination as she continued her analogies about butterflies. Did you know they sometimes go through a phase that scientists have termed diapause, in which some caterpillars resist their cocoon stage and postpone their transformation for a year or more? We hold on to our old self "at the moment of our greatest possibility."

Change is difficult and involves a great deal of ambiguity and and uncertainty. And even at a moment of discontent, when we know that we want something different, we often resist the change that will truly make a difference and result in new life.

There are stages of surrender that Sue relates to the first and second parts of Jesus' life. The first part was active--teaching, healing, traveling . . . doing. The second part was waiting--a "passive endurance" in which Jesus handed himself over and things were done to him, a transition to being instead of doing. As people surrendering our old selves, in the first stage we do some pretty active blood, sweat, and tears in which we consciously shed surface-level attachments.

The second level is much less intuitive and helped make sense for me of the feeling I've had recently that I wanted to give up and that I had nothing left to give or try or shed. "Having done all we can, we allow God to work directly on the more secret and deeply ingrained attachments we have to self. We allow God to release us through the experiences, encounters, and events that come to us."

Can you imagine the relief I felt when my reading affirmed that I was truly at the end of my rope and that my next steps involve more being than doing?

twenty-six

Did I mention that one of my guests recently thought that I was around 26-years old? This made my day for sure. I guess it helps that I have to wear a hat at work; it does tend to make people look younger.

Her name is Carol and she reminds me of a Marlene that I know. Very serious exterior, but I sense that she has a big heart. I think it would take a while for most people to get through to her heart. She puts on a pretty cold front. I confess that it took me about a month of knowing that she's a regular before I dared to ask her name. She simply didn't seem like she would want me to know her. Silly, huh?

I'm starting to think that another one of my regulars is no longer alive. His name is Bruce and he was known to capitalize on the policy that we'll brew up a French press of the coffee of your choice any time. He likes a really dark roast. One day, after a couple of weeks of turmoil with him, I made him espresso roast (using our bulk bean, clever me) in the press.

He said it was the best cup of coffee he had ever tasted.

I later learned that he should have lost his life in a motorcycle collision a few years back. He wasn't taking anything for granted anymore, and he wasn't wasting his time on a medium blend, either.

It seems a bit unfair that we'll never know when it's the last time we're seeing a person. That's going to be a difficult part of moving on from this job, whenever I may become so fortunate.

I guess that's encouragement to live with expectancy, expecting God to be at work in every moment of every day.

waiting

I am learning good and encouraging things about waiting. These things don't remove my impatience or discontent, but they affirm it.

The waiting that Sue Monk Kidd talks about in When the Heart Waits takes place for most during a life crisis (midlife or otherwise, the latter in my case!). Sue describes it as a time of learning about yourself at the deepest level, shedding all of the false personas that we take on in life and discovering your true self. "To undertake a new passage of the spiritual journey: that of confronting the lost and counterfeit places within us and releasing our deeper, innermost self--our true self." This is going to be good for me....

One my favorite quotes so far, referring to shedding the personas, is:
It's anguish to come to that place in life where you know all the words but none of the music.

One other point that is standing out to me about the waiting is that it doesn't mean that you're doing nothing. Like the waiting during the metamorphosis of a butterfly, during this waiting, the soul goes through a change if the process is deliberate and if we allow it.

I have been thinking of Ecclesiastes a lot lately, realizing comfort that to everything there is a season and a purpose. I know this is a season and it has a purpose. If I have the courage to truly face it.