atheism, anger and intuition

Subtitle: some of the nitty gritty of why I haven't blogged much in recent years.

I have spent more of the past few years angry at God than not. Maybe you've heard me say that recently. I won't go into all of the things that have made me angry. But I will admit that the underlying theme, if I admit it to even myself, is that I seem to think I could do a better job than God. In my limited perspective this makes perfect sense, I would make good things happen and avoid some of the disappointments.

I have had the opportunity to engage in discussion with an atheist in recent months and it dawned on me how silly and misdirected this anger must seem to him. I also began to realize how much energy was required by this emotional state. I was feeling drained by all of the stress that was triggering my anger, so I realized that I could choose to relieve some of the drain. One logical response would be to stop being angry at God. Instead, I decided that I would see if I could ignore Him for a while. The stance of my atheist friend seemed incredibly convenient.

In the midst of trying to turn away from God I discovered something about myself. I couldn't do it; in my stream of consciousness I kept talking to God. I felt a bit irked every time I caught myself talking to God.I was driving along in the car one day, listening to NPR (not Christian radio, mind you), and I caught myself distracted from the radio program and talking to God. I tried to refocus my attention on the program because I was ignoring God, remember? In that moment I began to reflect on my inability to to ignore God, but I didn't fully want to unwrap this yet.

A couple of years ago, after one of the most startling discoveries of my life, I had the courage to admit to my spiritual director that I was angry at God. She helped me to see how my anger was a place of intimacy. She helped me realize that we do not get angry with ones that we do not care about.

I have a tendency to direct my anger at God before I direct it at people. I am not sure what this means. Perhaps I hold God to a higher standard and at some gut level, even though I keep trying to take the reigns, I realize that God is in control. I realize that if anyone can change what's happening, God can. I think I get frustrated because God could make things happen in ways that I would see as positive. He could give me the desires of my heart. He could prevent or change how things are. If he is who he says he is....

I felt disappointed that I could not ignore God even when I tried. I eventually realized that I might as well give up the charade and stop being angry with God. Although I was annoyed that I couldn't bring my mind to turn from God, despite my best efforts, I am also comforted that God has become an intuitive part of my being in the 29 years since I came to know Him.

On so very many levels, trusting God right now makes no sense at all. And at the same time it's the only thing that does make sense. Life is full of these paradoxes.